As If I Needed To Explain Why I Don’t Home School

Today was the beginning of the end.

The end of what you ask?

The end of the season of my life in which I am the mom of a pre-schooler. Yes, girls. My precious, darlin’ baby daughter is on her way to school this fall. My MOPS days are almost over.

I would love to tell you that Kindergarten registration was today. In fact, it was last week and somehow I missed the huge, glaring sign in front of the elementary school that read, “KINDERGARTEN REGISTRATION”. And lest you give me the benefit of the doubt for not seeing it, I should also say the sign is less than 100 yards from my front door.

I’m nothing if not observant.

So anyway, when I discovered I had missed the O-Ficial Kindergarten registration I stopped by the school office to see when make-up day for the Loser Moms was scheduled. I picked up the registration packet and was then informed I needed to make an appointment for my girl to have Kindergarten pre-testing.

Say what? She has to pass a test to get IN to Kindergarten?

Well, not quite like that they explained. I was told to expect more of an assessment to see what The Girl knew so they would know where to start with her.

I should prequel my panic by telling you that by the time my Number One Son went to Kindergarten, he was reading Shakespeare. The kid is naturally smart, but I was equally neurotic with his pre-K education. We had the flashcards, the workbooks, the abacus and I prided myself on making sure his life was fully and properly enriched.

By Boys #2 and #3 I had calmed down a bit. They also had the benefit of attending an excellent 4-year-old Pre-K in the Georgia Elementary schools so I was totally content to let their teachers teach them the ABC’s, etc. They were also reading by Kindergarten so again, no worries.

My poor #4 girl is a different story. Her mother is still neurotic but in totally different areas. There is no Alabama pre-K so The Girl? She’s pretty much been on her on to glean what little information she could learn from Dora and the Microwave.

I panicked when I found out they were pre-testing for the sheer fact I was soon to be exposed for not having taught my child a single thing in the five years I’ve owned her. I knew she could say her ABC’s – well mostly. It gets a little hazy around the L-an-in-on-P but she totally makes up for it with an exuberant X!Y!Z!.

I decided since we had a couple of days before the testing I would give her the Susanna Wesley crash course in recognizing her letters and numbers. I bought her a dry erase board where she could practice. We drilled and drilled over the letters. After two days, I was confident she knew all the ABC’s and we could move on to numbers.

The Girl counted to ten as well as recognized the numbers without any help from me. I said, “Girl, how did you know all of those?” She said, “Those are easy mom. I learned them on the microwave.”

So there you have it. My five year old learned her numbers from cooking snacks in the microwave. Now if I can just get her to 350 for the oven I may get a complete meal.

Anyway, just for grins, I had her run through the numbers one more time. She counted to ten and stopped. I said, “Well, Girl. Don’t stop there. What comes after ten?” She said, “Mom. You know what comes after ten…The size of my shoes!” So we should have no problem whatsoever with her as long as her teacher can decode ‘The size of my socks = 4″ and “The size of my pants = 5″.

Okay, let’s bring this thing to the runway. We went to the testing appointment today and how do you think The Girl did? When Mrs. H. asked her each of the letters, she said, “Hmmm….I don’t know that one. I’ve never seen that one. Nope. Don’t know that one either.” I think she ended up getting about half of them right. She did redeem me on her numbers though. Didn’t miss a one. And thankfully, they didn’t ask her what came after 10.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of the little thing, but I’m oh so ashamed of me. The Girl has no idea yet, but this summer she is totally gonna be Hooked on Phonics.

Alright, now I would like to come to my own defense as well as the defense of mothers like me. Am I nuts or is Kindergarten today not the Kindergarten of our youth? What happened to naptime and puppet shows and learning how to color in the lines? How did that get replaced with speed-reading and Spanish? I know education is important, but goodness, do any of you think like me that we are pushing them too hard, too fast?

All I know right now is that I have this dull ache in my heart that is growing with each day that passes. In just a few short months an entire season of my life will be over and I’m not sure I’m ready for it or ready to let go of my little girl who is absolutely the joy of my days. Who will endure WalMart with me? Who will sit in her pajamas with me and watch Spongebob? Who will make a Tuesday movie store run or play at McDonalds while we eat our snack wraps?

Great. Now I’m crying.

And since I’ve typed myself into a full blown depressive episode, you’ll have to excuse me while I go curl up into a fetal position.

March 31, 2008 | Filed Under Parenting or Lack Thereof | 50 Comments 

Family Movie Night

I’m not at all ashamed to tell you that when it comes to tv and movie viewing, my kids are totally sheltered.

To give you an example, my 12-year-old had a birthday party a couple weeks back where 14 of his closest friends came to the house after school.

(And for those of you who asked, I ended up getting a $4 cake off the Day Old rack at Walmart after I couldn’t get the ice cream one I wanted. Figured there was no reason to spend a fortune if he didn’t even like it! And then, after everyone was gone except for the Smith Brothers, I realized I’d forgotten to even serve the thing. I have no idea why my almost teenager didn’t want to wear a pointy hat and blow out birthday candles but hey, I let him have his way on his b-day. So anyway, when I finally got the plastic container of staleness out of the fridge, all us cake lovers got a fork and dug in without even slicing it. Am I a cool mom or what?)

Okay, that was a rabbit. Back to the point.

While all the boys were here, the conversation turned to Saturday Night Live which my kids don’t even know exists. There were some jokes about Muslims and what they are promised in the afterlife should they homicide-bomb themselves. (I’m not typing it out but I’m assuming you know what that is.) Anyway, everyone was just howling over some joke they’d told on SNL as my kid sat there with a dumbfounded, embarrassed look on his face. He then said, “Ummm. I don’t know what y’all are talking about.”

The boys laughed even harder thinking he was kidding to which he said, “I’m not kidding y’all. I have no idea what that just meant.”

It was seriously one of the proudest moments of my motherhood.

(Don’t worry…his dad hasn’t left him in the dark. The Talk soon followed. The kid was so mortified I didn’t think he would ever show his face again. What’s more precious is that he still believes in Santa. I asked hubby why he felt it necessary to discuss the birds and the bees and yet neglect to tell him Santa wasn’t real. “There really is only so much trauma a boy can take at one time,” he said. So, it looks like ‘ole Santy Claus is alive and well for at least one more Christmas in the McKay house.)

Okay, so y’all get it that my kid is an innocent and just one of the most precious things in the world. So when he asked to watch Will Smith’s ‘I am Legend’ I was a little concerned it might be too much scary imagery but I figured watching it was kind of like a rite of passage. He’s watched Lord of the Rings and seemed none the worse for wear. I also reasoned it was time he watched something besides Barney and SpongeBob. (Okay, kidding about Spongebob.)

Anyhow…..last night we sat down for Family Movie night and watched Legend. (I use the term family loosely. The other boys were at spend the nights and the daughter was asleep.)

As for the movie? One word.

Freakshow.

I have to give kudos to the fact there is only one or two ‘words’ in the whole movie. Nothing at all dirty about the film but the virus mutant people were just so incredibly grotesque. However, The Boy hung in there and watched the whole thing without covering his eyes once. I remember mourning a bit over the fact that my baby was growing up.

The tears were totally unnecessary. The kid was wigged out of his skin.

I didn’t know this until it was time to go to bed and he requested sleeping with the lights on and doors open. Luke, being the model of a compassionate father that he is, climbed into bed with the Boy and said gently…

“What’s wrong, son…..Are you scared a big, bad monster is under your bed?”

He then proceeded to tell him our next movie night was going to be a Triple Feature of Saw, Friday the 13th, and Nightmare on Elm Street. With popcorn.

Oh yeah, the kid felt much better after all that.

(Luke was obviously kidding…We talked for a bit and gave him some Jesus imagery to go to bed on..:) Before he fell asleep, The Boy admitted he just wasn’t ready for scary.

And I am so happy, because his mom is just not ready for him to be ready either.

So for next week? It’s looking like a Purple Dinosaur Extravaganza…

March 29, 2008 | Filed Under Parenting or Lack Thereof | 24 Comments 

Quick Question

Hello girls!

I’m continuing to work on my Married to the Ministry book and something has come up that I’m curious about.

So a quick question….

If you are married to a pastor, etc., do you feel he has ever put pressure on you to ‘behave’ or to be someone you are not for the sake of appearances? (Much in the same way we may sometimes put undue pressure on our pk’s)

If you are not married to a pastor, have you ever witnessed or been made aware of your own ministers criticizing/belittling their wives?

I can’t really say why I ask this other than this is something I’ve not considered much because it is outside my experience. Looking forward to what you may have to say!

March 28, 2008 | Filed Under Married to the Ministry | 34 Comments 

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