Tour of the Zoo De Poo
I mentioned to you yesterday we had a First Grade Field Trip to a local zoo. I will not mention the name of the zoo to protect the not-so-innocent. All I am going to tell you is that there was more poop per capita in this 10 acre plot of ground than I have ever seen in all my born days.
The visit started out promising. We pulled into the drive and this zoo has a pretty nice sign. I judge a lot of establishments I visit by whether or not they have a Good Sign. Your sign is your image, people. Invest! Turns out, this image was way overblown. The sign would have better reflected the contents if it had been a large toilet mounted on a pole with the tagline, “We are glad you are here! Nose plugs and waders available at the front desk.”
We parked in a field and one of my most hilarious girlfriends later told me, as we were discussing the poopiness of the place, the first thing she did was step in an enormous pile of said nastiness while getting out of her car in the parking lot. Now excuse me, but isn’t the zoo up the hill quite a ways? What beast was allowed to roam to the parking lot for Pete’s sake?? I laughed my head off when C. said, “Where are we?? Some third world country??!!!” Considering the first animal we saw was a camel, I don’t think she was that far off. And just a question, exactly how do desert-dwelling, Arab-ridden animals get to Alabama? Does anyone have any idea how this guy got here???
As we ventured in to the zoo, we had to stand in line to pay our admission. Now thankfully, we were planning on having lunch in a nearby park. But, had we needed to eat here, we were in fine luck because here is the menu the park offered:
What you can not see is on the other side of this window is a various and sundry assortment of monkeys, snakes, and such that were not out for public viewing. I’m not sure if that was the eating area…perhaps it was our Alabama version of the Rainforest Cafe? Thank you dear zoo people, but I do not think we will dining in your establishment today. Or ever. And does the health department even know you exist? Because I totally do not see one of those sheets with your score hanging anywhere on the premises unless it is inside with the snakes in which case, I just really do not need to know.
We took our short walk around the zoo which included rambling around old tires, trailer parts, and of course, dodging enormous piles of poop. There was a stage area that I am guessing once had animal presentations on it. Today it had an old refrigerator and propane bottles. And no matter how we tried, we could not for the life of us figure out where all the monster poop could be coming from. Think Lost and the mystery jungle creature. The more I thought about it, the more I was certain I did not want to solve the mystery. Just get me outta here. And the tour guide? He was totally one of the Others.
The worst part came at the end. In the Cafe’ building, there was a drainage hole which led into the visitor pathway. Apparently, when the inside of this building was hosed down, a drain carried all the monkey poo out of the building into a nice, tidy cesspool outside into the area where children run and play. And oh yeah, you guessed it. One of our boys was running and fell into the mess. He was covered with monkey doo from arms to toe. You should have seen all the moms rushing over to help him clean it off. NOT.
I really wanted to give you more pictures, but the Other was watching me and I was afraid of what might happen if he caught me in my expose’. Some secret medical experimentation? Locking me up in one of the cages? You’ll understand why I chose not to be too obvious.
To say a fun day was had by all would be a bit of an, oh, overstatement. But, the picnic was nice if you don’t count the mangy, tick-ridden dog that wouldn’t leave us alone or the park bathroom which only had a hole in the floor where the toilet should have been and 60+ first graders who hadn’t used the potty since we left that morning. Oh yeah, it was good to go home. The next time I get the hankering to see any wild animals, I’ll go outside and pet my beagle. She and I have a secret language but that would be a story for another day..:))
Have a great Saturday!!
this sounded a little bit like you were on the Island of Jurassic Park. I would have been looking for Dinosaurs by the end of this adventure…
So, I didn’t hear you mention when you were going back?? LOL
Oh poor thing…
As a nurse, I don’t do smells… I would have lost it!!
Oh dear sweet Lisa, I realize you are somewhat new to this area. So let me give you a couple of tips for future outings. If anyone says there is a zoo within a 40 mile radius of our home, just know that some redneck who did not qualify for welfare and couldn’t fool the judge into giving him disability decided it’d be fun to round him up some animals and start a zoo. I wonder if it was a real camel, or john boy and ray dale dressed up like one?
If you decide to take your children to a go cart track, make sure you are well outside the 40 mile radius! Bubba n em have been known to juice up their piece of junk derby cars and build a dirt track then call it a go cart track… stay far far away!!
I’m so sorry you had such a terrible trip! You should have taken some pics of the poo! I know 2 kids in particular who would have gotten a big kick out of that!!
This post is hilarious! I was laughing my booty off (wouldn’t that be nice if it were that easy?!)
I am so with you on “Lost”… although, this season I’ve missed one too many episodes and I truly am lost!
We have a WONDERFUL zoo here in Montgomery, believe it or not! When Zack was younger, we even had the family season pass because he loved to go out there so much.
If you’re ever this way…put it on your “to do” list!
Oh where to start, where to start? First, I’m SOOOO with you on the snakes…any time a school field trip or a trip to the library has involved snakes. I stay only as long as said creature is safely behind the glass. Once it gets out….so do I! I even left my forever friend’s house one day because the kids had their snake out and didn’t take me seriously when I said to PUT IT BACK!!! I just picked up my kid and headed to my car. I called my friend from the road to explain why I was gone when she came back out!
Now, about the, um…poo… Do you realize that this is now your SECOND post on poo? (Think Barbie and her pooping dog.) If you are not careful, you will join Sarah (In the Midst of It) as one of the “Poo Blogs!” She writes about poo ALOT!
Finally, yes I saw your tag for the whole purse reveal. Believe me, my purse is full of junk, but my house is worse, so I’ll happily oblige so long as I can find a clean spot on which to shoot the pictures! However, hubby and son are here watching stupid, man-shows on tv, and really wouldn’t understand WHY I was taking the junk out of my purse and snapping pictures of it. And truly, since hubby doesn’t really get the whole “Blog Thing” anyway, I’m not in the mood to explain! Tomorrow, I’ll “get ‘er done” for ya’.
Now, I must go write something to post on my own, neglected blog. Crazy week will begin tomorrow, and who knows when I’ll get another chance!
LOL!!! I believe I actually said during my reading of this…”oh my word, she isn’t making this up, she is serious.” That’s just plain craziness, but oh, it sure did make me laugh.
Wow, that is some zoo! I guess the school was trying to do a field trip on a budget.
Oh my word, and you survived???
Remind me to not go to your local zoo. ;oP
Hilarious! I’m linking to this post.
Id be more choosy where Id go next time theres a school trip