Tour of the Zoo De Poo

First I should tell you I really want to use the word ‘crap’ in this post but realize it constitutes ‘Conduct Unbecoming’ of a Preacher’s Wife..:)) It would just so much more fit the description I would like to paint for you..but, in the interest of protecting my hubby’s reputation, I will refrain. Poo will have to Do.

I mentioned to you yesterday we had a First Grade Field Trip to a local zoo. I will not mention the name of the zoo to protect the not-so-innocent. All I am going to tell you is that there was more poop per capita in this 10 acre plot of ground than I have ever seen in all my born days.

The visit started out promising. We pulled into the drive and this zoo has a pretty nice sign. I judge a lot of establishments I visit by whether or not they have a Good Sign. Your sign is your image, people. Invest! Turns out, this image was way overblown. The sign would have better reflected the contents if it had been a large toilet mounted on a pole with the tagline, “We are glad you are here! Nose plugs and waders available at the front desk.”

We parked in a field and one of my most hilarious girlfriends later told me, as we were discussing the poopiness of the place, the first thing she did was step in an enormous pile of said nastiness while getting out of her car in the parking lot. Now excuse me, but isn’t the zoo up the hill quite a ways? What beast was allowed to roam to the parking lot for Pete’s sake?? I laughed my head off when C. said, “Where are we?? Some third world country??!!!” Considering the first animal we saw was a camel, I don’t think she was that far off. And just a question, exactly how do desert-dwelling, Arab-ridden animals get to Alabama? Does anyone have any idea how this guy got here???

As we ventured in to the zoo, we had to stand in line to pay our admission. Now thankfully, we were planning on having lunch in a nearby park. But, had we needed to eat here, we were in fine luck because here is the menu the park offered:

What you can not see is on the other side of this window is a various and sundry assortment of monkeys, snakes, and such that were not out for public viewing. I’m not sure if that was the eating area…perhaps it was our Alabama version of the Rainforest Cafe? Thank you dear zoo people, but I do not think we will dining in your establishment today. Or ever. And does the health department even know you exist? Because I totally do not see one of those sheets with your score hanging anywhere on the premises unless it is inside with the snakes in which case, I just really do not need to know.

We took our short walk around the zoo which included rambling around old tires, trailer parts, and of course, dodging enormous piles of poop. There was a stage area that I am guessing once had animal presentations on it. Today it had an old refrigerator and propane bottles. And no matter how we tried, we could not for the life of us figure out where all the monster poop could be coming from. Think Lost and the mystery jungle creature. The more I thought about it, the more I was certain I did not want to solve the mystery. Just get me outta here. And the tour guide? He was totally one of the Others.

The worst part came at the end. In the Cafe’ building, there was a drainage hole which led into the visitor pathway. Apparently, when the inside of this building was hosed down, a drain carried all the monkey poo out of the building into a nice, tidy cesspool outside into the area where children run and play. And oh yeah, you guessed it. One of our boys was running and fell into the mess. He was covered with monkey doo from arms to toe. You should have seen all the moms rushing over to help him clean it off. NOT.

I really wanted to give you more pictures, but the Other was watching me and I was afraid of what might happen if he caught me in my expose’. Some secret medical experimentation? Locking me up in one of the cages? You’ll understand why I chose not to be too obvious.

To say a fun day was had by all would be a bit of an, oh, overstatement. But, the picnic was nice if you don’t count the mangy, tick-ridden dog that wouldn’t leave us alone or the park bathroom which only had a hole in the floor where the toilet should have been and 60+ first graders who hadn’t used the potty since we left that morning. Oh yeah, it was good to go home. The next time I get the hankering to see any wild animals, I’ll go outside and pet my beagle. She and I have a secret language but that would be a story for another day..:))

Have a great Saturday!!