Because Nothings Says Football Like a Cow Plop

Have I ever expressed to ya’ll my deep, abiding love for my small town? There is nothing better in the world than going to the grocery store and running into friends. Better still is the gentleman who still carries my bags to the car. He collects tips to buy groceries for families in need. Seriously, have you ever felt like you were doing ministry by tipping the bagboy? Do you even have bagboys?

Ours is also a town which still shuts down for the Friday night football games. Even if you don’t particularly like football or understand any of the ridiculous rules, well, that does not negate the fact that anybody who is any kind of patriot will be at the game whether your kid is on the team or not. If you want to take your love of community a bit further, you will also attend the Annual Community Picnic hosted by the Quarterback Club to encourage the players and get a free hamburger.

This year, to enhance the profitability of the Picnic, our illustrious Quarterback Club President and his entourage of equally cool dudes staged a Cow Plop. What is a Cow Plop you ask? Oh girl, if you have to ask the question you are going to love this.

Prior to the Cow Plop Event, tickets are sold for each labeled square on a grid which is marked out in a fenced enclosure. Then, an unsuspecting bovine is set loose on said grid to Plop. If the Cow Plops in your square, you win. $1000 to be exact. That is some profitable poop.

Now, I must tell you I got quite an education in the art of Cow Plopping. You see, it seems there is quite a bit of science involved in creating just the right kind of plop. A grass-fed, pasture cow apparently splatters just a little too much which I’m guessing would cause quite a problem in trying to determine a winner. So, instead, the cow must be penned up and fed oats to create consistency to the plop therefore resulting in one winner instead of say, oh, 14.

And here’s the greatest. There are Cow Plop Rules. They are as follows:

1. You may not coax the cow to your spot.

2. If the plop is on a line, the largest portion of plop wins.

3. If the plop appears to be evenly distributed between two lines, unless you are willing to weigh the plop yourself, the winnings are halved.

4. If the cow has not plopped by the time the picnic is over, a name will be drawn out of a hat to determine the winner.

With that said, the cow, she was ill. I mean really, go lock yourself in a small room and eat granola all day and see what that does for your digestive tract. She was one fiesty gal when she was let out of the trailer but she soon settled down and the waiting began. This picture doesn’t do justice to the number of people watching the event, but the aerial view seemed to be the most exciting.

Our girl didn’t take long to determine the winner and thankfully, there wasn’t any weighing and measuring involved. The excitement didn’t end there, however, as the cow was not ready to go back into the trailer. I must tell you this was my favorite part because I got to witness first-hand some Mad Cowboy Skilz that I did not know existed in our pal, JL. Dude, you and that precious wife of yours getting that cow up made me want to go put on my cowgirl boots and rope the nearest wild beast. I have one word for you, my friends: YippeeKyAye.

And a good time was had by all….well, umm, except our girl, The Cow. I am personally hoping her hard work and newfound fame will save her from the slaughterhouse.

However, in cow country, it is only realistic to expect this year’s plopper to be next year’s free hamburgers.