What in the world is Deak’d do you ask?
Well, that would be what happens when one of your deacons does something cruel and heartless to his preacher’s wife.
Not only has this happened before, but this weekend I found myself the victim once again. Not by the same deacon, mind you. Seems we have an entire board full of devilish dudes just achin’ for a laugh at my expense.
Saturday started out innocently enough. I cooked a typical weekend breakfast of biscuits and gravy, bacon, and eggs. The news called for a warm breeze and sunny skies, (not at all like the weather Friday) so Luke and I called a family work day to clean out the flower beds.
Now, on a normal day I would make some attempt at straightening the kitchen but since our time outside was limited, I left all the dirty dishes figuring I could take care of all that once the sun went down. I also knew one of the deacons, a man whose name starts with Dewayne, was coming over to go visit a family with Luke, so I spent what little time I was willing to waste inside making the living room presentable for when he stopped by.
After hours of work pulling weeds, digging up dead shrubs, and laying out fresh landscape fabric, I left the house for the local nursery to buy a truckbed of mulch. On my return trip, I received text with this picture:
I know this picture is tiny but my re-sizing skillz need polishing. Please comprehend that you are seeing my sink full of dirty dishes. What you can not see is congealed gravy on the stove and leftover biscuits and eggs smeared on the table. You also aren’t seeing my laundry room door wide open to reveal an assortment of dirty clothes, cleaning supplies, and an overflowing garbage can.
Underneath the picture in the text was the message:
“What is this? This place is a pig sty! Is the dishwasher broken?”
For a split second I thought the text came from Luke and I was bumfuzzled. He knew what the kitchen looked like so why in the world would he be sending me such a ….
And that’s when it hit me. It was the deacon whose name starts with Dewayne!
Luke had let him past the living room. Must. Kill. Luke.
I dialed the phone. I didn’t give Luke a chance to say hello before I said, “What in the world did you let him past the living room for?? Can you please tell me what you were thinkin’????!!!!”
And that doofus had me on speaker phone. And I heard thunderous laughter. And I could have just choked the life out of both those men who were not operating at a maturity level adequate for leading a church.
I pulled back into the driveway and sulked to the outbuilding to get my pitchfork. As if my humilitation over the kitchen weren’t complete, the deacon whose name starts with Dewayne came outside and started taking video of my unshowered, unkempt hair. And if he happens to show you video suggesting I’m telling him what I’m about to do with the pitchfork? Well, I’m sure he photoshopped it.
Because y’all know I wouldn’t do such a thing.
(Can I also say I have a whole new compassion for Britney Spears? Poor baby walking around looking like a dog with someone shoving a camera in her face. I’m totally letting her borrow my garden tools. If she’ll let me borrow her fedora and sunglasses that is…)
So let’s just say I dreaded seeing the deacon at church on Sunday because I knew, I KNEW, I’d catch Round Two. I got to the church house and what? There was no Dewayne?! Come to find out he got a stomach virus and was up sick all night.
(Insert Maniacal Laughter here)
Seems the hex I put on him worked. Either that or the rotten gravy.
So just in case any of the other deacons decide to mess with me? Consider yourself warned. I’ve made friends with a dude named Montezuma and I hear he’s got some mean revenge…
Just ask the deacon whose name starts with Dewayne.
Horrible, horrible deacon! That is so very wrong!
Speaking of text message pictures, one night a girlfriend of mine, who was our children’s minister, got a text from our pastor’s phone. We were horrified to find a picture of a nekked behind on it. Turns out his son had taken a picture of himself mooning the camera and thought it would be funny to send it to his children’s minister. We were amazed!
Too Funny! I’ve not cleaned before ALOT! Glad that no one came over! You poor girl!
Never cross a minister’s wife with a pitch fork!
Simply Hill-lar-reious! Sorry Dwayne got sick, but lets be real, he needed to get rid of the meanness somehow! talk to ya later girl! Oh, and for everyone else, Lisa’s flower beds look sooooo much better than they did before. She should have taken a before and after shot! Good work, GreenThumb!
AH, the perils of living in a parsonage……
I’m right there with ya girl….And to be honest, these husbands seem to never know where to stop people from entering. =)
Have a great Tuesday.
At least he didn’t forward it to the entire church! (But he still could so dont laugh too loud!) LOL I guess its a good thing I’m not a minister’s wife… I can’t keep my kitchen clean to save my life!
Sorry to reply on your comments page. I can’t get my outlook to work to email you…the recipe sounds great! No hurry, just when you get a free moment. Thanks!
I’d say that deacon doesn’t know who he’s messing with.
Immediate follow-up comment: You and Luke have a deacon board that is worthy of you.
Take your pick.
Girl nobody deserved the stomach virus more. Just think. Poor H has to live with that! Ha Ha
Oh My Gosh!!! Terrible man…both of them!!! LOL….This story cracked me up! Just yesterday, I went home and it was obvious that my dear hubby had brought someone home for lunch. When I asked him who and WHY (because the house was a wreck!) he said it was just one of the maintennance guys from the church! SO!!! WHO CARES!!!
I couldn’t believe it!
I bet in the middle of the night that devilish and dastardly deacon was remembering the verse that says “‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay’ says the Lord”.
And Preacher Man had best be counting his blessings that he was not similarly afflicted. Or sleeping in the outbuilding with said pitchfork.
OK…I think I hold the record for most embarassing, true to life moment before a deacon (we call them board members in the UM church).
At precisely the same moment, two events collided together to etch a memory that will never be erased from my memory until I reach heaven (Oh…how I pray this one won’t make it into God’s heavenly recording!).
1. My husband was giving a walk-thru tour of our parsonage to the chairman of our Trustee’s committee.
2. Me…very pregnant and very naked…was making my way from the bathroom to the bedroom when…
You can imagine my surprise, and the surprise of the un-named and unexpected visitor as we collided in the hallway.
Now that’s an image for you!
We soon moved to another appointment.
You totally win. I’ll never whine over dirty dishes again…LOLOL
I was about to comment on your story Lisa when I read Elaine’s – OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!! Now I just have to visit Elaine to check ou her blog cos I’m still wetting myself here LOL!
But, now back to your tale of woe. What can I say but I feel for you…totally! Hasn’t happened to me with deacons but it’s happened with other unexpected guests *sigh*
So now we know where our SS teacher was…..my husband, another deacon, has always said, never put HIM on our prayer list. It could turn sour.
I call that calling out the locusts on them! God looks out for us.
THAT IS SO FUNNY!
I would have died if my hubby had allowed the said deacon to walk into the house let alone into my kitchen
It is too bad he got the stomach bug b/c I know he probably had a video he wanted to show you – LOL!
Woman * you * are * a * scream !!
That was so stinkin’ hilarious!
And I’m glad I’m not Elaine. I can’t even imagine! Oi.
oh that’s funny. my husband is a deacon and i know he’d never do anything that mean.
Hilarious! I laughed all the way through. Sounds like it’s time for a little Preacher’s Wife paypack… or a stomach virus. That’s always a good second when you don’t have the time or energy to plan your payback. =0)