A Slippery Slope
Well it is official. I am older than dirt with all the wrinkles and smells to prove it.
A couple of weeks ago, I got an eye infection – apparently from an allergic reaction to pollen according to the Indian doctor I saw. Actually he said something like..”hmmm, i beleeee you ah haveeng an allergeeek reeeactshun to poleeeen.” So I’m taking that meant my orbits were rebelling against all the yellow dust in the air. It’s times like these you wish you had those little cartoon windshield wipers for your eyes like Sponge Bob. Anyway – that’s not the worst of it.
He prescribed this medicine that was both an antibiotic and anti-inflammatory. It was white and thick and when I put it in my eyes, it spilled out leaving me looking like I was crying Mayfield’s. Well obviously, I dabbed away the excess but I didn’t wash it completely off. I just let the dampness air dry around my eyes. WRONG ANSWER.
I started noticing in the next day or so that I had, oh, say about 194 new wrinkles around my eyes! At first, I thought they would go away with the swelling from the infection. No ma’am, they did not. I am now the proud owner of a cracked, Arabian desert for a face. Thank you, Falcon Laboratories.
I am telling ya’ll this cause I am seeking Biblical permission to sue:) If ya’ll have any verses that will convince the Preacher I am not just being “dramatic”, please send them my way. He is just not understanding that it is my civic duty to make these evil people pay for not slapping a warning label on this medicine that said, “Caution: Will melt your face off your everloving skull.”
To add insult to injury, my four-year-old daughter was sitting in the chair behind me yesterday. She gave me the sweetest hug with her face in my hair. She stopped and said, “Your hair smells like old lady hair.” I pulled her off me and said, “Exactly what does old lady hair smell like?” I’m thinking she might still redeem herself and say ‘roses’ or ‘Avon’ or some other delightful fragrance I associate with my grandmother. Instead she pulled my hair up to my nose and said, “Exactly like this.” And when I opened my mouth to protest she said, “And your breath smells like chicken poop and I am not going to smell it.” I shut my mouth.
After this assault, I have but one final request (after I wash my hair in Febreze and brush my teeth with my Emeril BAMMIN’ Cinnamon Toothpaste that is):
Somebody get a shovel cause I have one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel…
Have a great Friday..I’m sure I will – that is if I can drag my depressed, demoralized self out of bed. :)
UPDATED TO CLARIFY: The suing remark was a joke, girls. I am not going to sue FALCON LABORATORIES. I AM JUST GOING TO OUT THEM FOR THIS UNLISTED SIDE EFFECT! But seriously, I’m just poking fun at a day in the life….And yes, I know that I am drop dead gorgeous to God! Four year olds are just way more critical than He is..:)))
Im sori this is happening to you I get sinsus so my prayers and thoughts are with you and pray that you will get better soon
Liza you need some “Dolla” company, will pray for you, and the word says dont sue a brother not the world, anyway precious, think of them as laughter lines its easier for the soul to think that. always love
me
I am so sorry about this! Remember though, that you are beautiful to God no matter what. You might read this article from Got Question as far as suing is concerned: http://www.gotquestions.org/lawsuits-suing.html
I am praying for you!!!
Surely the delicate eye tissue isn’t permanently damaged. Maybe a little Regenerist eye cream will help?
I don’t think it will help the poop breath, though.
Olay!
Oh my goodness. Now MY eyes are watering! Your daughter’s comments are priceless!
Happy Mother’s Day, Lisa! :-) May the Lord make your footsteps sure this weekend — seeing as your feet are in a precarious position and all.
Deborah..you’ve just got to tell me what a Dolla Sister is..I want to be one!! :)
Cindy..I was joking, I wouldn’t sue anybody, ever! :)
Carol..a good eye cream is my next plan..Maybe Regenerist will come out with “Regenerbreath” ..who knows.it could happen..:))
I bet you are a blast! It sounds like you have a bit of unexpected adventure around the corner from time to time. From Dr.Pepper/antacid spewing from your nose/ears to aging eye cream! I love to stop in for my weekly laugh! Thanks for sharing!
I am so sorry to be hysterically laughing at your demise….
no, more like multitasking… we old people do that… snorting, laughing and peeing on myself at the same time
I remember my daughter when she was young going on a field trip to the nursing home.. she didn’t want to go back because “They smelled like old people”….
bless your heart…
I know it’s not funny….really,,
no really… I’m really praying for you… no,, I mean it…
Love you …Connie
Lisa, I was cracking up at this post…kids are so doggone honest, aren’t they?!
And then your comment about Regenerist….
Too funny, girl! Hope you have a great Friday and a Happy Mother’s Day this Sunday!
Love ya!
You gotta love those kids and their dang honesty! Just make sure your eye cream doesn’t have the side of effect of causing eye irritation or you’ll be right back where you started! Happy Mother’s Day!
I feel your pain….just last year a little girl told me she thought I was her grandmother’s age! Hello, I’m 35!! And my nephew, when asked who was the oldest to youngest of his mother’s siblings, answered “Aunt C (me), Aunt P, his Mom, and Uncle J”. Hello again, I’m #3 in line. Kids are tooooo honest!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For the eyes I would recommend the cream I use…but apparently it isn’t working as well as I thought!
Love your posts! Happy Mother’s Day!
Oh Lisa….I just had a great laugh…is that bad…your depressed and I am laughing? I just can relate to this on so many levels that I just can’t get into but I hope you are feeling better!
Thanks so much for sharing…I am sure you still look beautiful but maybe you should post a picture of the evidence so that people can see what it does….:o)) and what man doesn’t think his wife is the drama queen? I mean really…
Blessings
ROFL at your daughter…and sympathizing with the one foot in, one foot out thing…my sister told me the other day, “Girl, it’s time to dye that hair…the glare off the gray is blindin’ me!”
Oh no! I’m sorry a/b your eyes I get that too from pollen sometimes. But if it happens again you could try baby shampoo (the no tears kind). It really works and doesn’t leave wrinkles. Your daughters comments are hilarious, I work with kids alot though so I feel your pain lol. Hope you’re feeling better.
So sorry you are having one of those days! :) Hope it gets way way better!!!!!!!!!!
At least she didn’t tell you that you have “old lady elbows”! My nephew told my step mom that a couple of weeks ago.
Carrie…I bet your nephew’s mom got one big kick out of his account of your siblings lineup! That is just too funny, I can see you and your sisters getting a big laugh out of that one!
Deedra P
Kids do say some of the most heartfelt things don’t they? lol I have 3 boys so I get my fair share of those kinds of comments.
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry!!
A friend’s little brother asked me one time why I have so many ant bites and pimples all over my face. I wanted to scream, “umm, hello, they’re called FRECKLES!!” I never hated myself so much as I did that day!
Ah, a generous dose of humility from our children…
Isn’t that why God gives ’em to us to begin with?
Yeah, I love it when Drama Girl tells me that my breath is bad–like coffee–(which is the elixir of life to me); she also remarks that I’m still pretty even when my “hair is messy, and my clothes aren’t that good”. Yep…it’s what’s on the outside that counts, Lisa! ;)
I for one am THRILLED to hear of your wrinkly problem. You see, in addition to only being friends with those who aren’t any good at my particular hobbies, so I can feel good about myself, I also prefer to be the youngest and thinnest of all my friends as well! As I’m pretty sure I have a few years on you…I’m glad to you know that with 194 wrinkles, you now have 10 more than I do!!!
Ya-Hoo!
Funny – funny…..not about the eye medicine — I have enough wrinkles without adding to it! =)
I got a dose of humiliation from a little girl at church last week.
We had a children’s program last Sunday night and I was holding a little girl in my lap and she was talking to me so I was trying to get her to be quiet. She promptly said “Why didn’t you brush your teeth?”
I spent the rest of the night tryign to shush her without breathing on her. =)
Kids are so honest! Not such a bad thing I suppose!
love –
mindy
Oh, this was TOOOO funny! Kids say the craziest things sometimes. Not exactly sure how I found your blog, but I did enjoy reading it and I’m sure I’ll be back to visit again soon! Happy Mother’s Day to you!
You are drop-dead gorgous. Just wait until you are my age, when everything starts going…But my hair still smells fresh – so don’t worry, girl.
Where do you get this stuff because I know you’re making it up! HAHAA!! I mean, something is happening EVERY day to you…HA! I’m sorry but I just had the biggest, longest, hardest laugh I’ve had in years. Seriously. From the “thank you, Falcon” to the “old hair smell and chicken poop breath”. Thank you for making my day. Oh and thanks for warning me on the eye stuff. I’ve been having the same eye problems and have been needing to get it checked out for over a week now, thank God I waited! I have an idea though! Call Falcon and tell them you won’t sue as long as they pay for your Botox shots once a year! HA! You don’t need a thing, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!!
Thanks for the wonderful message at the banquet tonight, I love hearing you speak about God and how beautiful he thinks I am! This would have been so nice to hear when I was a teenager looking for some stupid boy to tell me that! I hope one day you get a chance to speak to teenage girls (you may already have) about this topic. It is so true that we look to other people to make us feel beautiful when the only One who matters has always thought it!
Love ya, Brooke