Well it is official. I am older than dirt with all the wrinkles and smells to prove it.
A couple of weeks ago, I got an eye infection – apparently from an allergic reaction to pollen according to the Indian doctor I saw. Actually he said something like..”hmmm, i beleeee you ah haveeng an allergeeek reeeactshun to poleeeen.” So I’m taking that meant my orbits were rebelling against all the yellow dust in the air. It’s times like these you wish you had those little cartoon windshield wipers for your eyes like Sponge Bob. Anyway – that’s not the worst of it.
He prescribed this medicine that was both an antibiotic and anti-inflammatory. It was white and thick and when I put it in my eyes, it spilled out leaving me looking like I was crying Mayfield’s. Well obviously, I dabbed away the excess but I didn’t wash it completely off. I just let the dampness air dry around my eyes. WRONG ANSWER.
I started noticing in the next day or so that I had, oh, say about 194 new wrinkles around my eyes! At first, I thought they would go away with the swelling from the infection. No ma’am, they did not. I am now the proud owner of a cracked, Arabian desert for a face. Thank you, Falcon Laboratories.
I am telling ya’ll this cause I am seeking Biblical permission to sue:) If ya’ll have any verses that will convince the Preacher I am not just being “dramatic”, please send them my way. He is just not understanding that it is my civic duty to make these evil people pay for not slapping a warning label on this medicine that said, “Caution: Will melt your face off your everloving skull.”
To add insult to injury, my four-year-old daughter was sitting in the chair behind me yesterday. She gave me the sweetest hug with her face in my hair. She stopped and said, “Your hair smells like old lady hair.” I pulled her off me and said, “Exactly what does old lady hair smell like?” I’m thinking she might still redeem herself and say ‘roses’ or ‘Avon’ or some other delightful fragrance I associate with my grandmother. Instead she pulled my hair up to my nose and said, “Exactly like this.” And when I opened my mouth to protest she said, “And your breath smells like chicken poop and I am not going to smell it.” I shut my mouth.
After this assault, I have but one final request (after I wash my hair in Febreze and brush my teeth with my Emeril BAMMIN’ Cinnamon Toothpaste that is):
Somebody get a shovel cause I have one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel…
Have a great Friday..I’m sure I will – that is if I can drag my depressed, demoralized self out of bed. :)
UPDATED TO CLARIFY: The suing remark was a joke, girls. I am not going to sue FALCON LABORATORIES. I AM JUST GOING TO OUT THEM FOR THIS UNLISTED SIDE EFFECT! But seriously, I’m just poking fun at a day in the life….And yes, I know that I am drop dead gorgeous to God! Four year olds are just way more critical than He is..:)))